( - promoted by Jack's Smirking Revenge)
(Originally posted at Liberating Porn)
Dear readers, many of you have probably read Max Brooks' novel World War Z. (Personally, I've read it a dozen times, mostly because I giggle gleefully at the thought of zombies munching their way through half of America.) Brooks wrote one particular line that stuck with me, even more so during our super retarded immigration debate: "Americans expect a fair deal."
Upon further consideration, I agree. Americans are a people who get riled up when Walmart won't provide a refund when the $200 gadget capable of deep-frying vegetables ends up being defective. We enthusiastically worship oil and willfully ignore the firm, hairy-knuckled grasp of Big Oil as it clenches its fist over our collective scrotum, but hey, when BP messed up, we expected them to foot the bill. Basically, when someone fucks us over we expect to be compensated.
And despite our country's brutish nature, we do sometimes play the role of gentle giant. Well okay, the gentle retarded giant; we had a baby bird named Iraq and broke its neck whilst petting it. After we nuked Japan into rubble, for better or worse, we hung around so that country could rise like a phoenix from the ashes. A terrifying, Pokemon-loving, sex robot-building phoenix who constantly jacks off to tentacle porn, but a phoenix nevertheless.
America also has a nasty habit of jovially subjugating various peoples within our borders. Or, in regards to Native Americans, peoples whose borders we decided weren't Christian enough. Yes,America's treatment of Indians, Africans, and Asians was sickening, and perhaps the retribution America provided was largely a slap in the face. However, our retarded gentle giant at least attempted some sort of retribution, whether it be casinos, Affirmative Action, or a check and an apology for internment. While we sane and humble folks can agree those aforementioned consolation prizes are a laughable pittance, they are, at least superficially, something in return for all the goofy slavery, internment, and, ya know, genocide 'n stuff.
Then we have our southern neighbors, with their awful dress habits, inconsistent hygiene, and proclivity for putting too many of their own citizens to death. Yes, I'm talking about Texas and Arizona. These two states have stoked irrational fear and hatred of the Central and South Americans who've hopped the border into the US. After Governor Jan Brewer signed the happily draconian immigrant law, vast chunks of our populace rose up and applauded. Opposing the underlying logic of the Arizona law is, for some, difficult. After all, those illegal immigrants are here illegally so they have to leave. How can ya argue with the logic?
Quite easily, actually. You see dear readers, the American government has been fingerbanging Central and South America ever since 1823's Monroe Doctrine, with which we pretty much told European imperialists to go fuck themselves and stay away from our hot Latina girlfriend. Since then, our government has treated Central and South America like a bastard state of the union, the less desirable one we keep in the basement. We only feed it one bucket of fishheads a week, we don't tell our neighbors about it, and, from time to time, we murder their democratically-elected leaders - who are usually left wing reformers - because they go against our economic interests.
In short, and this is by no means a comprehensive list, the American government has: Supported the brutal hereditary dictatorship of the Somoza family in Nicaragua for 40 fucking years then acted all surprised when the Sandanistas popped up; Texans say "Illegal immigrants from Mexico shouldn't be here!", all the while forgetting that America stole Texas from Mexico then, in a truly cruel act, filled it with Texans; we paid Panama dictator-slash-drug lord Manuel Noriega to keep communists out of his country, mostly by murdering as many Panamanians as possible (because hell, a few must have been commies, right?); Ike Eisenhower famously toppled the left wing reformist government of Guatemala and thus brought on instability, poverty, and a ridiculous nationwide murder rate all because American businessmen were super protective of their banana profits (literally).
Now dear readers, the aforementioned cases of America's Fingerbang of Imperialistic Doom are often the direct causes for folks from these fingerbanged nations jumping over our borders. Simply, they are poor in large part due to American involvement. Put yourself in their shoes: If the CIA showed up to your town, killed your mayor, shot your puppy, and stole your fucking bananas, wouldn't you expect an apology and, God willing, some retribution?
Yes, you would. Because we're Americans. For all our faults, we are a people who expect something resembling a fair deal.
Amnesty, bitches!
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